Santa Claus Might be Forced To Retire, In Show Of Ageism.-Millions Baby Boomers Upset!

Story borrowed from the "Gringo Times" edited ,abridged and adapted for E.A.

Reliable sources have informed E.A. that talks are ongoing to intern Santa Claus and his wife in separate facilities and replace the ageing couple with a modern day Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

Following several APIS interviews we have found out that Santa Claus is no longer able to cut the mustard and might be forced to live in Spenguin Rehabilition center on the north pole separated from his wife who was deemed irrational and incapacitated and has become a "Ward of the State."

Millions of toys have been confiscated and will be sold to pay for legal fees, this has many people upset that poor children everywhere might not be able to get the toys they want this year.

The forced separation of Santa and his wife has the older santa, who is now showing his age very depressed and drinking more than usual.

Coca-Cola announced that the Santa Claus and the original red and white outfits will be outlawed by 2011 if St. Nick refused to wear the new slim fit designs customes being marketed buy Coke. Coke chiefs feel the outdated "fat,old Santa" no longer fits in with the new healthy image Coke is trying to portray and have filed several complaints with the North Pole iDCF.

Coca Cola has begun selling a new "healthy soda" Diet Coke with Vitamins B-12,B6,B52,Magnesium,NH3,Zinc Substrate and marketed as new "Diet Coke PlusX"TM

Sources close to the big man say Santa has been fond of Coke for over 50 years and is very unhappy to hear that they are threatning to pull the plug.

"Without the money from the sponsorhip many children will not get the toys they asked for". Says Rudolf.

The picture on the right despicts a happy Santa during better times.............

Rudolp the Red Nosed Reindeeer has been the subject of many iDCF investigations when he admitted that his red nose is in fact due to inhibiting too much alcohol, and was reported to say "I don't Care, Let them pull the plug! We still got Santa Libre!

"I spend my whole life devoted to the richly un rewarding task of lugging credit-card financed un-enjoyables around with the help of my colleagues and our off the road *NWD drive vehicles,what will happen to the poor retailers?"

The dispute dates back to the 1930's with Coca Cola's winter advertisement campaigns despicting Santa Clause in red and white garments. Since then coke has used Santa in many marketing campaigns associating Cola and Chrismas in the minds of most households.

Michel Rin-Tin-tin, marketing spoke person for Coca-Cola refuted the claims that commercialism and ageism is ruining X-Mas for many baby boomers.

"We are not trying to strong arm the big man,we just feel in present market conditions and with the obesity problems facing our children it would be irresponsible to condone Santa's un health lifestyle and rapidly mounting health problems and he just isn't as sharp as he used to be.

"If Santa could at least make an effort with his weight by perhaps using our new healthier brands we could start negotiations again.We are not stealing X-mas and we think it should stay an annual event."

The beverage conglomerate has opened the tender to its other brands. Sprite Lemonade was quick to jump on the sleigh by offering 50% of the required sponsorship if Santa was to wear their sprite custume which is green and white.

However the E.U (Elves Union) feels this will further confuse the public. " I am sick and tired of people calling us Dwarfs and the last thing we want is to be associated with Sprites. Sprites are little cretins that live in hell. We are elves and proud of the fact that we have been Santa's little helpers for generations.

The move by Sprite to alleviate the problem has spurred other conglomerates to come up with bright ideas for 2009.

Brugal is said to be interested in a possible partnership with Sprite bit it has been suggested that they would required the Brugal logo on the sleigh and any future X-mas promotions.

However MAD and other international driving associations have slammed the suggestions of using alcoholic beverages because they feel it could encourage Drunk Sleigh Riding."It's bad enough with X-mas drinking problems we have now. Imagine giant sleighs out of control with boozed up drivers and eight reindeer running rampage.

Whatever the outcome many onlookers are calling for the Magic to be put back into X-Mas. The Magic was taken from X-mas when the Orlando Magic basketball team bought it from Santa for estimated $15 million USD in 1993.

According to sources close to Santa , he originally signed the deal because he believed the magic ingredients in the beverage helped him do the job is just one night.However when Coca cola stopped using the magic ingredient it seemed that no body was performing to their usual standards.

"Caffeine is not enough man, we have one of the most highest profile media roles in the world and that comes with a lot of pressure". Mrs Claus was quoted as saying.

Mrs. Claus was recently seen leaving a Harley Street Clinic ,before she became a "Ward of the State" and ranted to reporters."Whoever takes Coca Cola's place in 2009 better give us what we need. We gotta' get it. I got to get that Coca-Cola feeling".

Beverage historian Dr. Pepper was keen to provide some background to the story. He told us that the beverage was named Coca-Cola because,originally the stimulant mixed in the beverage was coca leaves from south America, from which the drug cocaine is derived. Apparently the company has since removed this ingredient.

This is not the first time that Coca Cola has threatened to diversify its X-mas campaign.Top executives at the corporation and APIS officals have for years worried about the implications of condoning an old fat bloke creeping into children's bed room at night.

"It's nothing short of a time bomb!" exclaimed, Congress woman Stormy Weathers , chairperson of the iDCF review board in the recording of the meeting we stole of their last board meeting.

It's not the first time that Santa's life style was attacked, in the 1880's Santa was much shorter and smoked a pipe. Obviously this had to change when public opinion dictated that it wasn't cool to be short and gnome like.

On the Christmas Eve of 1862. during the Civil War,Abraham Lincoln specifically asked Santa to visit the Union troops while wearing a fur trimmed suit adorned with Stars and Stripes as he brought joy to the soldiers who fought to protect the unity of America. Many historian said that seeing him side with the North was one of the most demoralizing moments for the Confederate army.

Advertisement gurus are now suggesting that PepsiCo would leverage a massive advantage if they can get the big guy over on their side.

Santa hit back this week saying "Coca cola can not stop me from doing what I've been doing for 400 years. They can pull the finance plug but any claims to my outfit is ridiculous, In fact I was wearing Red when I was St Nicholas, the bishop of Nyra in Lycia, and as for my personal health issues, I think coke should realize that I've been around for a thousand years or more so whether I drink Coke,Regular Sprite or Brugal Rum is my concern and I want my wife back ,the allegations that I am old and senile are just rubbish this is just an excuse to appropriate my estate in the Polar Cap and extort more taxes from the younger folk."

the bereaved Santa was heard as saying.............

*Disclaimer.-This story is fictional and any resemblance to characters,events ,companies ,or agencies is purely coincidental.